Tag Archives: ain’t nobody got time for that

Review: Mirror Mirror

Standard

mirror mirror eyebrows

OMG!! EYEBROOOOOWWWWWWWSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Oh… Ummm… I mean This is my review of Mirror Mirror (2012)

Ok, first off,  WHY DOES EVERY FILM HAVE TO END WITH A MUSICAL?????? I just don’t get it! Is it a Musical? NOOOOO!!!! So why are we putting a musical montage at the end.  Do writers just not understand how to end a film anymore?  Do they lack the creativity to leave the audience in awe without ruining any true feelings they have created during the film?  SHIT!!! All I can think of now is that awful song that this film ended with… That and the hideous dress they put Snow White in.  Maybe that is their goal… To erase all memory of  the crap you just watched, although I must admit that there are a few decent films that end on a musical number like Ella Enchanted.  A Guilty pleasure of mine only because I really enjoy Anne Hathaway.  ERG… Just trying to slush this crap off and remember what actually took place in the film.

It’s like… I’m under the queens spell… Hummm….

Mirror Mirror is one of the modern remakes of the fairy Tale, Snow White and the Seven Dowarfs. If you don’t know it, it is the story of an evil queen, brought in to help raise a motherless princess, but is truly a wicked and vein woman.  It is said that she murdered her husband and kept Snow White locked in the castle until her beauty became too great that her began to surpass her own.  The Queen NEEDED to be the most beautiful and sent her advisor to kill the girl.  Being faithful to her father, he lets her go.  She runs through the forrest, finds some dwarfs that take her in, and in the end defeats the queen with the help of the dwarfs, a handsome prince, and the inner strength she finds within her own heart. Much like the fairy tale, the Queen is played by an evil women… J/K, lol, Julia Roberts is actually one of my favorite female actress’, although getting around $75m per film on AVERAGE can throw anyone a little off.  I can only guess where most of the budget went.  I enjoyed the sets, they breath life into an industry that would rather green screen something than have something practical.  The costumes were a little over the top, however that seems like the theme in this film.  Throw in a few modern zingers like “focus groups” and… Ug… a… (Oh I don’t want to say it) a… Musical number… *Vomit* at the end and we have a modern fairy tale movie.  Let’s empower the woman a bit, maybe have her read about all these damsel’s in distress and she doesn’t want to be one.  I get it, women are empowered and these stories are outdated, but what girl doesn’t like to be saved at least once in her life… I know you are saying no right now, but on the inside, you agree!

So we have this girl, that simply wonders for the first half of the film… literally… she wanders around her room, wanders into a party, wanders into town… You get it… She wanders.

Once she is taken in by the dwarfs we “GOTTA HAVE A MONTAGE…A MOTHER FUCKING MONTAGE…” Sorry, gotta throw in a little love for Team America.  Literally, we have a Rocky montage with her training, standing on a ball, and… learning to find the strawberry?  I didn’t know carnival games helped you fight an EVIL QUEEN that can do MAGIC!!! Oh well, I did kind of like the outfit changes.  I get what they were going with, but I am not really sure how they came to the outfit she found.  Were these clothes they stole?  Was she making them? Do the dwarfs just HAPPEN to have a closet full of women’s clothing?

Ah yes, the dwarfs… I liked them! I am actually glad that they changed their names while still keeping the generalized characteristics of the originals. Grim… “Grim would go on to write several fairy tales…” Really? I digress, I think they were probably some of the most thought out characters in the film and although I thought the stilts were a little stupid looking, I did like the idea of deception.

The beginning felt awkward to me, with Julia Roberts talking about the story that she was in and then at the end coming back to her to finish it.  I get that they were trying to tie it in and have a way to tell the story, but how about letting Grim tell a tale… SINCE HE BECOMES A STORYTELLER!!!  It’s not like you had to give away who he was to do this.  They could have done a waist shot and kept it close enough that you didn’t notice, focusing in on the people he was telling the story too… Or.. Maybe just reading the book he wrote…

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! SNOW WHITES EYEBROWS WERE HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!

On that note… WTF!!!  What is with the HUGE bow on the back of her dress at the end????  Where they trying to match her EYEBROWS???

STUPID…

Ok… now that I got that out of my system…  Back to the story.

They did a great job making the story their own and adding a few twists to it.  Julia put on a performance as did the other characters.  Timon, sorry can’t think of his name at the moment, made for a good henchman and roach.  The prince, which I think played the prince in The Prince and me 2, or something else… he does make a good boring, simpleminded, yet handsome prince. Ug.. EYEBROWSSS…. Sorry, they are Plaaaaaggggguinggg me… I see them in my mind… They… they… they are everywhere!

I liked the dwarfs, they were well casted.  I like the dude that played the king.  What’s his name? Oh right, the Lord from Game of Thrones. I think he just walked off the set of one and right on to the other.  Same gear and everything.  Must have been this film first, though, because his cloths are all tattered in that show.  Good show, though.  I think it is back at the end of this month!  Yay!  But… When is Breaking Bad back?   Another good show.  I’ve always wondered how to dissolve a body… * crickets chirping* What???  They do that…

Mirror Mirror is did have a cool Mirror effect. I like that she explores herself within the mirror.  That was a nice twist.  As if her inner reflection was advising her.  Now days, I think we call that Bi-Polar… no… Schizophrenia? Something like that.  What was Drop Dead Fred? An imaginary friend? Wow, that’s funny.  both of those films have several really bad characters, a stupid, but simi unique plot and a bland, brunet that does what everyone tells her until she manages to seek out her inner strength.

Wait… Which film were we talking about? I lost track.  It’s had to keep track of so many Sherk format rip offs.  I mean… at least donkey was funny at time and not some wannabe side kick who’s comedy has been dumbed down and simplified for the masses because Hollywood thinks we are dumb.  Oh… What’s that you say?  Dumb sells?  Smart bits get overlooked and even when they are a cinematic masterpieces like Citizen Kane, people just look at it, see black and white and go… Uuuhh… That’s dumb… RRRIIIIIGGGHHHTTT… The FILM is dumb… I attribute it to all the sugar and caffeine we are pumping into people so they will work faster, for longer, and for less money.  It literally costs me an HOUR of work, actually a little more with taxes taken out, to GO WATCH A MOVIE AT THE THEATER…  all so they can pay Julia $5m per day… ERG… They just spend as much as they could on that HUGE FUCKING BOW tied to her back at the end of the movie…

The fight scene at the end is very anti climatic, but the reveal was pretty cool. I didn’t see that coming.  Snow White marries the prince, the witch gets what she deserves, blah blah blah happily ever after.

Overall, not a bad watch.  Lagging in places and I will not be adding this to my collection, but not bad.

I think they needed music, bright colors, and a a lot of motion to keep the caffeinated and sugared up kids in the theaters after consuming a 64oz Mountain Dew and 6 boxes of sugar covered gummy bears.